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EFFECTIVE LISTENING
Active listening involves not only what you hear but what you say. This is one of your most important tools when shepherding your group. This means that you actively engage with the person who is speaking and set aside your own personal agenda, keep yourself from being distracted (especially thinking about what you will say next). I realize this is hard and I often have to struggle with it myself. Below are some hints to help you improve your active listening skills.
What you say:
> Invite comments from the group
> Empathize with other’s emotions
> Explore the other persons statements, seeking more information
> Clarify what has been said.
What you hear:
> Verbal – this is the content of what is said. Sometimes we become so wrapped up in what we are about to say that we fail the hear the simple facts in the discussion. As you listen focus on the specific information being shared.
> Nonverbal: how is the content being expressed? Her you are listening for congruity, that is do the nonverbal messages match the verbal ones- listen for these next three areas:
· Facial expression – When someone says “I’m okay” does their facial expression actually communicate something else?
· Tone of voice – Listen for tones of sarcasm anger, sadness, enthusiasm, hesitancy, fear, etc.
· Body movement and posture – Are arms and legs crossed and closed? Are they fidgety or relaxed? Does their posture indicate interest or boredom? Remember you can ‘hear’ a lot just by watching people’s actions.
Passive vs. Active Listening
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Passive listening
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Active Listening
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Attitude
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Rejecting, critical
“I’m really not interested”
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Receptive, accepting
“I really want to hear”
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Focus
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Me – what I want to say
“What do I think?”
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Other person – you think about
What others are saying
“What does he mean?”
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Response
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This is what I’ve been thinking
“I think you should...”
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Clarifying first what you have
Heard the other person say
“You think…”
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Message
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What you said isn’t important
“I didn’t really hear what you said.”
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You heard both the feeling and
The need in the message.
“I heard what you said”
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Results
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Speaker experiences frustration, anger
Listener communicates “ I don’t care,”
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Speaker is willing to compromise
Or tell more
“Listener says “I care about what you said.”
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GROUP CONFLICT MANAGEMENT
As the relationships in your group deepen conflict will become inevitable. A group that experiences no conflict among its members is probably either brand-new or one that has not pursued deep authentic relationships. The Bible differentiates between quarreling and constructive conflict. Quarreling is negative because it is self-centered. James 4:1-3 asks us “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something and you don’t get it.” This kind of quarreling is not pleasing to God. However, there is a great deal of admonition in Scripture for leaders to use constructive criticism and exhortation in order to bring about spiritual growth. Check out several versions of 2Timothy 3:16.
Other areas I would encourage each of you to study is the Biblical distinction between quarreling and constructive conflict found in James 4:2 and Matthew 5:23-26.
Key Scripture references for Conflict Management for all of us to study include (note I need these as much as anyone else):
Eph. 4:15 & 25; Rom. 12:15; 1Cor. 12:26; Eph. 4.29-32; Matt. 18:15-17; Prov. 15:23 &28; James 4:1-2 and remember your group members interests as well as your own found in Phil. 2:4
STRATEGIES FOR MANAGING CONFLICT
There are several approaches to conflict management, each having its own benefits. In our Life Groups probably the strategies of compromise and collaboration will prove the most effective.
Avoidance this strategy is effective when used for conflict which is trivial, the situation will take care of itself, when saving face (yours or someone else’s) is important or when time is limited. It should not be used if credibility will be lost, if there is a larger underlying issue that needs to be addressed, or if the problem will not resolve itself.
Competition- would be effective to use when competition will result in a better solution, you want one person or position to prevail, the issue outweighs the relationship, and the issue needs to be clarified to expose a weak spot. It is not effective when the following is important: maintaining long-term relationships, conflict is likely to become personal rather than issue-oriented and it is more important to avoid a win-lose situation or public defeat.
Accommodation this strategy is effective for conflict when a relationship is more important than the task, when the issue is trivial, and when small concessions will reap further gains (i.e. choose your battles). It is not effective when your actions could be interpreted as being condescending or its use would set an unwise precedent.
Compromise – is effective to use when there is no simple solution, both parties have a strong interest in very different facets of the problem, there is not enough time to truly collaborate or the situation is not critical and an adequate solution is good enough. It would not be effective to use when a dangerous precedent would be set, an optimal resolution is possible, or it is important to avoid concessions of any kind.
Collaboration –is an effective strategy when the task and the relationship are both very important, the time, information and willingness to collaborate are present, the outcome is exceedingly important and sufficient trust exists between the parties. It would not be effective if there is not enough time, trust or resources available or the issue is not worthy of the investment of time, energy or resources.
Next week we will discuss expressing anger in groups and building relationships.
“We are living in an era when the art of conversation is almost a thing of the past…Yet at the same time, there is growing hunger for closeness, for being known and understood. Jerry Jones (201 Great Questions)
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